I know it can feel a little confusing or even confronting to consider doing deep work on YOURSELF in order to make your relationship so much better. Especially if it feels like your spouse is the real reason you’re unhappy in your marriage. You may even feel a bit defensive or confused about how you could possibly make much of a difference in your relationship—after all, you’ve been told repeatedly that it takes two to have a good relationship, right? I used to feel like that, too.
But, no longer. After over a decade of helping hundreds of women make their committed relationship so much more loving, connected, and supportive, I’ve learned there is simply NO DENYING that whether you just want to make your marriage better, or you want to make it amazing, it's always more impactful to focus your relationship-improving efforts on yourself and your ability to relate in the best ways to your spouse, than trying to change how your partner does things.
Why? Here are 10 (of many more) reasons why:
There are ALWAYS things we are doing and ways we are showing up with our spouse that are not serving our best interests in the relationship – even if we can’t see them because we're so frustrated at how our spouse is behaving. When we finally admit and SEE these things, and get to work to shift them, the relationship can’t help but shift, too, almost always for the better.
We only have control over ourselves, and not other adults, including our spouse. We cannot change them directly (so it’s a waste of time and deeply frustrating and discouraging when we try–have you noticed?!), but we can change how we think, feel and relate to them, and that, again, will guarantee shifts in the relationship.
How you learned to survive in relationships from a young age is not necessarily how you will be able to thrive in a long term relationship as an adult. Most of us developed patterns of protection that actually keep the deeply loving intimate relationship we really want at bay. As adults, we need to unlearn some of our own defensive patterning, and learn skills to feel safe to truly connect to another person, so we can allow real love and deep intimacy to grow and last.
When we work on opening our hearts to the very imperfect human we have chosen as our partner, WE get to feel the sweet, fulfilling, expansive and deeply JOYFUL feeling of loving more deeply and consistently. This is a true gift for us. Oh yeah, and it opens the door for your spouse to respond to you with deeper and deeper love.
Very few of us were taught how to tend to our own emotions skillfully thanks to our culture. In fact most of us were taught the myth that our emotions hinge on what other people do–that THEY are the source of how good or bad we feel–especially a significant other. This belief leads to a very disempowered emotional life in ALL realms. As you learn to take back agency over your own emotions, as you do when you do deep relationship work, you become deeply empowered in ALL realms of your life–at work, in family and friend relationships, and in creative, and other life endeavors.
The skills you learn in the process allow you to always know how to guide yourself to peace and comfort and ease in any of the inevitable harder moments of life, in and outside your marriage. AND so you spend so much more time in your life feeling good, no matter what your spouse, or other people in your life, are up to.
You feel proud of the high integrity person you now show up as and are able to truly live your values. (There is not much that feels better!)
You develop a capacity to love yourself, and the self-confidence that is deeper and yummier than you've ever known. You will take this everywhere you go, and every nook and cranny of your life will be easier, gentler, and more fulfilling.
You get to witness the magic that happens (yes, it does feel magical!) as this work creates a much deeper culture of love and safety between you, and your partner finally feels safe and seen enough to naturally want to contribute to the fun, love, and support in your marriage.
As you do this work over time, you tap into your power to naturally influence the world around you while focusing on your own growth and evolution — which is just plain fun, feels amazing, and is richly rewarding, especially as you see yourself growing and moving past limitations you didn't know you could in your life.
So even though your significant other isn’t likely to just wake up tomorrow having magically become the ideal partner (I do wish I had a magic wand for that!), you don't have to resign yourself to a less than happy marriage. BECAUSE it’s more impactful to work on yourself in your relationship than on your spouse and , when you do, YOU have so much power to make yours SO much better.
As you do, you will ALSO feel so much more ease, empowerment and joy in other realms of your life at the same time. Come coach with me 1:1 (Before January 15th) and I will help you do this in your relationship and life (like I’ve helped so many others do it in theirs). Fill out this form and we'll take it together from there.
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