25% of people have a trait, which they may not know anything about until they are well into adulthood, that can bring both gifts and challenges to their intimate relationships and marriages (such as feeling strong feelings, both the good and the bad.) It's called High Sensitivity (or Sensory Processing Sensitivity).
If you are one of these people, you WANT to know it!
Why Knowing Whether You Are Highly Sensitive Or Not Matters
Because your relationship is likely to be a lot harder if you are a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and you don't know it (which means you don’t know how to work with it.) AND your relationship can get a lot better quickly, and ultimately grow to have a lot more richness, love, connection and harmony in it than the average relationship if you are highly sensitive – when you understand and know how to work with this trait.
So let’s find out if you are, indeed, an HSP, shall we?
Here are 33 Clues you're a Highly Sensitive Person as Revealed in Your Relationship.
If you find yourself nodding your head to more than 6 or 7 of these, or a couple of them feel extra true for you, it may very well be that you have the trait of High Sensitivity. (And don’t worry, at the end of this list I’ll help you understand how you can understand and work with it better right away so you can have a stronger, happier, more loving and supportive marriage or committed relationship.)
1. You have a sense you may feel things more deeply than other people, and may think of yourself or have been called (by your spouse or other’s in your life) “overly emotional”, or “too emotional”, “too sensitive”, “moody”, or even “intense”.
2. You’re naturally compassionate and aware of your partner's feelings, so you’re great at being supportive or loving when they need it. You care very much about their well-being and want the best for them.
3. But you tend to take their feelings on as your own, so when they are down, so are you (and to make matters worse, you may also feel sorry for them about how bad they are feeling). This can be especially hard if your partner is often moody, anxious, or depressed.
4. Your deeply observant nature, combined with a tendency to have high standards, may lead you to see faults in your partner – some of which might loom large and lead to you being a bit nit-picky, critical, or judgmental, or “too demanding” ... which can set off your spouse's defenses.
5. But with that same observant nature, you can also see and appreciate the subtle beauty and goodness in others, and because of this you can draw out your partner’s gifts and be a great source of confidence building and affirmation for them.
6. You can take things in your relationship extremely seriously, though, and really dwell on and overthink things. This can lead to obsessive thoughts and behaviors, wishing you either didn’t say something you said or that you had said something else, as well as worry, and heartache when things aren’t going very well.
7. But you are also deeply insightful, and can often support your partner to better understand himself, you, and your relationship, which is a huge asset in a relationship.
8. And you are blessed with the ability to have perspective – to see all sides of the coin. This gives you strength and perseverance to work through things when relationship challenges arise.
9. Because you easily pick up on subtle cues from your partner and are very caring, it’s all too easy for you to get caught up in meeting their smallest needs, so that you often forget to meet your own. This exhausts and depletes you over time.
10.You can also tend toward perfectionism, constantly trying to do what is right, which sometimes helps strengthen your relationship, and other times just really stresses you out.
11. You can feel easily irritated by your significant other–especially if they do not do as expected or desired, or don’t live up to your ideals.
12. A sense of feeling like “something is wrong with me” or not being good enough can be a trademark wound you walk around with, leading to needing lots of approval from your spouse to feel good (and even feeling or being called “needy”).
13. You need a lot of quiet alone time to be at your best. But you may not give it to yourself, as you are so concerned with being a “good” partner, parent, or friend.
14. You are subtly attuned to what your spouse is experiencing (almost as if you can read his mind). This can be a benefit, or lead to discord or misunderstanding if he isn’t aware, himself, of what he is experiencing—but you seem to be!
15. You might have trouble understanding your partner’s seeming obliviousness, due to your own high awareness of everything around you. This can lead to you secretly thinking you are somehow smarter or more enlightened than him (not a great setup for respect and loving connection)--even though you would never outright admit it!
16. You also may tend to believe everyone is as caring, considerate, and aware of others as you are. This can lead to high (even unrealistic) expectations and standards of your partner’s ability to be attentive and aware of your needs and desires. When they don’t live up to them, disappointment or even a sense of them not loving you enough ensues.
17. You tend to “love hard’, as well as feel other positive emotions deeply, when things are going well or the circumstances are right.
18. But, when it seems locked up or absent, you notice and experience love's lack acutely.
19. You may feel deeply hurt or take it personally– and find it hard to get over it and move on– when your partner is a bit snappy with you, or when he is distracted and doesn’t pause to be present with you (through eye contact, a hug, or a patient listening ear) for some time. This may lead to feeling resentment or hurt.
20. You are easily over-aroused by stimulation. When anyone (HSP or not) is overstimulated we act unskillfully and rashly. Because it happens quicker for an HSP, this can lead to a higher level of reactivity and drama in relationships. We sensitives can become "insensitive" when not emotionally centered.
21. But you are a calming, grounding and loving presence when you are healthy and centered. You emanate this to your loved ones and it nourishes them.
22. You may have a tendency to shy away from confrontation or “negative” emotion, because you feel the discomfort of it so strongly. This can hold you back from being honest and transparent, leaving the relationship at risk for lack of a sense of deep connection.The cost of this is that you may not feel the depth of connection you’d like with your partner.
23. Being vulnerable can be scary (for everyone), and since every emotion is heightened for you it can be especially hard to voice your needs or desires to your partner. It makes you feel exposed and at risk. This can mean you aren't always great at asking for what you want, or being the first to show affection, or opening up about something really tender and close to your heart.
24. Therefore, you can fall prey to complaining or criticizing as a method of getting your needs met, because that feels safer. Then, for hours or days afterward, you may feel bad, as you prefer to behave with more integrity.
25. But, you also are likely to try to work things out inside yourself at length. This can lead to great self-awareness, which can enhance your ability to grow and flourish in your relationship, especially as you learn to be honest and open with your partner.
26. You may be indecisive or take a long time to decide a course of action. This can sap a lot of energy and time as you discuss it and mull it over, and delay you from making changes you'd love to have happen.
27. But because you are so thorough and intuitive, when you finally do reach a decision it is usually a very good one that benefits both of you.
28. You are content with life’s simple pleasures and may tend to pass on the more exciting (or overstimulating) events that your partner may enjoy (especially if he is less sensitive or introverted than you). Though this can feel like taking care of yourself, if you always avoid such events it can lead to the relationship losing its sense of expansion and excitement.
29. Being attuned to beauty in all forms, you enrich your partner's life by pointing out and exposing him to beauty he may have missed otherwise. For example, the sound of crickets in the early morning, a sunset, a painting exhibition he wouldn’t have gone to otherwise – even inspiring him to try yoga or meditation, which can give him a taste of his own inner beauty.
30. Not feeling “heard” or “understood” may be a somewhat common experience for you, as along with many other things already listed, you may tend to take longer to speak up in conversations (due to processing deeply and finding the most meaningful response—which can come too late in a fast paced conversation).
31. If your partner tends to talk a lot, is very active or frenetic, listens to music or news a lot, watches TV frequently, or brings up intense or upsetting world news events, it can quickly overstimulate you. Then you may find yourself with a short fuse, irritable or angry with him.
32. Too much idle chit-chat with your significant other without digging into a subject of substance for too many hours or days can leave you feeling disconnected and like the relationship is stale, especially if you don't know how to stay feeling connected (you can learn this!).
33. You are meaning-driven. In a love relationship this means you will be dedicated and willing to work hard at creating deeply meaningful connection – making it more likely to have a rich and healthy committed relationship!
How Many Resonated and What Does That Indicate?
If more than 5 of these 33 clues you're a highly sensitive person as revealed in your relationship resonate with you, you are likely an HSP, and if 10 or more resonate, welcome to being highly sensitive! (There is so much to look forward to in your life and marriage, now that you know this about yourself.)
And if your marriage isn’t GREAT, then you’ve just unlocked a big reason why this may be so: you are sensitive or tend toward being sensitive without having known it until NOW.
The great news is now you DO know you're likely an HSP, you can begin the process of learning how to work with this trait and really make huge strides in your relationship.
What’s The Best Starting Place To Make Relationship More Loving, Connected, and Mutually Supportive as an HSP?
It depends on YOU and your unique relationship.
But I have found in my work over the last decade as a marriage coach for sensitive women, that there are 3 core areas we sensitive women need to primarily focus on to make our marriage come alive with the deep connection, intimacy, lightness, love, and team-in-life feel we most want.…
You will want to start with just ONE of these 3 CORE areas for the fastest and most long lasting changes right away.
Which of the 3 core areas will be most impactful for YOU to focus on first?
Take the free 2 minute quiz I made you to find out! I’ll also give you very detailed specifics about how exactly to start focusing on that area right away. Get started below:
Taking this step will open the door for you to a the kind of real partnership with your significant other you've always wanted: one that is tender, connected, attuned, caring deeply supportive, and deeply loving and nurturing in all realms.
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