Take it from a marriage coach: “arguments” (i.e conflicts and disagreements) are simply part of being in a committed relationship. Luckily, this doesn't mean they have to be painful or detrimental to your marriage.
Conflicts can actually be an important part of growing a more deeply intimate, connected and supportive marriage (so if you're conflict averse, like many HSPs are, please really hear that! And listen to this episode for more!).
Nonetheless, conflict definitely can be detrimental to our relationships, IF you don’t you don't have some key skills and ground rules in place.
So I suggest that you and your partner both agree on a few basic ground rules for conflict in your relationship. These will help stop any conflict from becoming a chaotic painful screaming match or ammunition-filled battle, and help you navigate it more peacefully and effectively!
Here are 9 basic ones I suggest.
Keep it to 3 primary ground rules (at least at first) because it will be hard to remember more than that. As you get good at those, start including more of these suggestions:
Don’t interrupt. Listening well is one of the very best ways to get back to understanding and peace–and to allow conflict to be a source of deeper connection.
Don’t use complaints about other areas of your life together as ammo against your partner in THIS issue. For example, if the topic you’re discussing is about how you’ve forgotten to communicate instructions for the kids post-school pick-up a couple times, don’t bring up how he doesn't do the dishes enough. When we start collecting other wrongdoings and bringing them into the topic at hand, we fuel more bitterness, and prevent solving the original issue. Keep it about what’s actually happening now.
On a similar note, don’t bring past issues into the current one.Although oftentimes the issue at hand is rooted in a larger issue that’s come up in different ways in the past, bringing up past wrongdoings or hurts can escalate the current conflict and once again prevent you from solving the issue at hand. Solve this issue first. Then, if this conversation sparked something from the past you feel also needs to be resolved, have a separate conversation about it later.
No name calling. (It will only escalate emotions, and make it more likely everything you say falls on deaf ears.)
No yelling. (Same)
Instead of the above, or storming off, when you start to feel really heightened or start to dissociate or be forgetful, take a break. (I call this the HSP time out: a pause to help you both regulate and settle, so you can come back better able to resolve and work through things. Here's a video I made you on how.) Be on the lookout for when your emotions get really escalated and tell your partner you need a pause to collect yourself so that you can work better with him on this topic.
Set a relationship boundary if your partner is getting too triggered or is violating a basic ground rule. Tell them you’re implementing your boundary and leaving the room until they can be respectful again and that you'll reconnect on this issue in half an hour (or three hours or whatever it is you decide). And then actually leave. (Ask your partner to do the same.)
If you did have to take a pause or take some space, come back to the issue when you’re both calmer. Do not ignore what happened.Talking about it gives a chance to mend rifts, and a chance to solve the actual deeper problem and grow your relationship into more what you wanted it to be.
Remember you’re a team in life together and the goal is solving an issue between you, not being right. This will keep you from seeing your spouse as the bad guy, and help you solve things together.
I also have many other suggestions, but that's a good starting place! With your spouse, choose 3 from this list and agree to try them out! (Spouse not on board? Do them yourself and see how much
things shift.)
Now, here's the thing: as great as these all sound, they are not always so easy to DO! You may get too triggered, emotionally flooded, or find yourself so captivated by the bewitching spell of blame that you don't remember your own ground rules for conflict, let alone have the capacity to actually follow through on them. If that is going on for you, it's well worth getting some coaching support! Find out more here. I'm here for you.