One of things many of my clients feel the deepest despair about is that they feel stuck rehashing the same old painful reactive patterns with their spouse over and over.
They feel irritable, and stuck that way.
They feel defensive, and stuck that way.
They feel reactive or argumentative, and stuck that way.
They feel unable to access the love they once had for their partner. And stuck that way.
If you can relate, I want you to know what I always make sure to let my clients know: YOU ARE NOT STUCK that way (and nothing is wrong with YOU!).
It’s just that, like them–and SO MANY of us– your nervous system becomes easily dysregulated, or is chronically so.
(Isn't it a relief to know this? It's not YOU. It’s your nervous system doing what it DOES in a wild overstimulating modern world when you haven't learned how to keep it regulated. If you haven't heard, my new program IS the beginning of the end of it, and it's enrolling now!)
Unfortunately, if you were born with the sensitivity gene you are even more likely to become easily, or chronically, dysregulated.
Dysregulation is a loving relationship's biggest enemy. It brings a million issues into your marriage (and whole life!) that wouldn't be there nearly as much otherwise.
Like anger, defensiveness, blame, closing off, a loss of touch with intelligence and your heart, loss of sex drive, argumentativeness. And, in general, you’ll feel more anxious, overwhelmed or down, depressed, burdened, resentful, burnt out, hurt, angry, lonely, unsupported, unfulfilled, distrustful or disconnected a lot more! I could go on and on. (I know what all of this is like, myself!)
But one of the MOST important things for you to understand about how dysregulation affects intimate relationships, is that it makes us react more strongly and more intensely to any perceived slight or “problem”.
Research shows, in fact, that when people have higher stress levels (i.e. more dysregulation), we actually misinterpret neutral comments from others, like our spouse, as criticisms, or see their behaviors in a more threatening, more negative light.
It’s like we put on glasses that magnify badness and threat, or even create the illusion of it when it IS NOT THERE AT ALL!
So if your spouse didn't respond when you told him something important, if you were dysregulated, it may have seemed like he was actually snubbing you instead of just being distracted by the kids.
Whereas, if you had been calm and centered–or REGULATED– it would have been no biggy, maybe you would have even appreciated it that he was attending to the kids like you like him to do….
In other words, when dysregualted – like we so often are in our modern world as HSPS, you're likely to see and experience everything your partner does or does not do in a much more negative way, take things more personally, imagine and see the worst in your partner, yourself and the relationship.
You wont be able to see things accurately, or notice the good in your partner as much, or feel their love for you so well. You won't have normal access to your wise brain, higher intelligence, or your heart.
Add all of this up, and of course your communication and interactions with your partner will be more irritable, more reactive, more “immature”. You’ll snap, lash out, withdraw, blame, criticize, complain, argue, defend–really all the things that lead to discord, arguments, misunderstandings, extended disconnection, and over time, disintegration of love.
BUT LISTEN UP: If any of this happens for you in your relationship, IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY!
You just have to learn to caretaker and guide your nervous system in a way that really works for you as a sensitive person, so that you can stay regulated most of the time like you’re supposed to, and easily re-regulate when you momentarily fall out.
You will go through a simple, but comprehensive process to be able to do just that , with me as your personal guid, in Foundations of Emotional Well-being for HSPs program.
I know you want to feel calmer, safer, more connected, clearheaded and open-hearted, curious, trusting, courageous, joyful, playful, sexy, and peaceful. Both inside yourself and in your relationship.
And you want to be able to respond and relate to your spouse in the most love-generating ways.
That’s what you’ll be learning to do consistently into the future when you participate in Foundations of Emotional Well-being for HSPs.
The 4 weeks with me in this course will be a game changer for you! Learn more here and register here. The price is half off (only $199) this time only. Enroll now to get a head start (door close Nov 30.)
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